My heart continues to be irregular. Sometimes it beats normally without skipping, but that’s becoming the exception. On most days now it skips. Sometimes I wonder if it will quit on me and the next thing I’ll know I’m dead.
It’s forcing me to confront my own mortality in a way I hadn’t before. I’ve always realized that someday I’m going to die. I have mixed feelings about death. As Woody Allen once said, “I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
On one hand, I’m afraid. Anything new causes me anxiety. That’s just part of my nature. Death after all is a oneway street. It’s the end of this life. It means one day my heart and my breathing will stop and my spirit will be set free and I begin a new journey. I also think of the hurt and pain I’ve caused myself and others and the missed and squandered opportunities. All my weaknesses come to mind.
On the other hand, as a Christian, I’m not afraid as I know there’s a loving God, who sent Jesus to die on the cross for our sins. And I have accepted God’s gracious pardon for my sinfulness. So when I die the light at the end of the tunnel will be God waiting to welcome me into eternal life and eternal love. Hopefully a hug from God also awaits as I’ll really need it.
I know there are some who say, if there’s a loving God why is there suffering? Well God could have easily made a world without suffering by simply destroying all of humanity as soon as we showed signs of rebellion or God could have made us so that we had no choice, but to serve him/her. That, in my mind, would have made us slaves. God gave us free will as God did not want slaves, but rather willing friends and partners; people who willingly chose to follow God’s directions. And frankly I like this way.
As I deal with my heart problems I’ve been thinking a lot about God and eternity. Wondering what it will be like. When I get anxious about things, I have some Christian films that I find comforting. My two favorite are Jesus and The Gospel Of John. While I read the Bible daily, I find the visuals of these films provide me with an added depth that words alone do not provide.
I’ll have more to say on this in future posts.
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