My heart is slowly getting worse. I can feel it. The other night I had an erratic heart rate. It went something like beep.....beep.....beepbeepbeepbeepbeep, beep, beep.....beep.....beep, beep, beep, beep, beep..... and so on. My pulse was 99, high for me. It took about two hours before things settled down enough for me to go to sleep.
I feel my heart skip. It used to be just occasionally now it’s becoming regular. I have shortness of breath, I feel like I could faint and I feel lightheaded at times. I have chest pain at times and my sleeping is interrupted. In short I have all the signs of sick sinus syndrome. Night are especially bad.
And as if this isn’t enough, sometimes I’ll doze off while watching t.v. or a film and suddenly awake with a start feeling like I’ve quit breathing. It is frightening.
The worst part for me is waiting for doctors to act. However, I am going to start pressing for action starting with my own doctor whom I see today. Without treatment, I feel that I may die sometime within the next several months.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
Facing Mortality With Christian Faith
My heart continues to be irregular. Sometimes it beats normally without skipping, but that’s becoming the exception. On most days now it skips. Sometimes I wonder if it will quit on me and the next thing I’ll know I’m dead.
It’s forcing me to confront my own mortality in a way I hadn’t before. I’ve always realized that someday I’m going to die. I have mixed feelings about death. As Woody Allen once said, “I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
On one hand, I’m afraid. Anything new causes me anxiety. That’s just part of my nature. Death after all is a oneway street. It’s the end of this life. It means one day my heart and my breathing will stop and my spirit will be set free and I begin a new journey. I also think of the hurt and pain I’ve caused myself and others and the missed and squandered opportunities. All my weaknesses come to mind.
On the other hand, as a Christian, I’m not afraid as I know there’s a loving God, who sent Jesus to die on the cross for our sins. And I have accepted God’s gracious pardon for my sinfulness. So when I die the light at the end of the tunnel will be God waiting to welcome me into eternal life and eternal love. Hopefully a hug from God also awaits as I’ll really need it.
I know there are some who say, if there’s a loving God why is there suffering? Well God could have easily made a world without suffering by simply destroying all of humanity as soon as we showed signs of rebellion or God could have made us so that we had no choice, but to serve him/her. That, in my mind, would have made us slaves. God gave us free will as God did not want slaves, but rather willing friends and partners; people who willingly chose to follow God’s directions. And frankly I like this way.
As I deal with my heart problems I’ve been thinking a lot about God and eternity. Wondering what it will be like. When I get anxious about things, I have some Christian films that I find comforting. My two favorite are Jesus and The Gospel Of John. While I read the Bible daily, I find the visuals of these films provide me with an added depth that words alone do not provide.
I’ll have more to say on this in future posts.
It’s forcing me to confront my own mortality in a way I hadn’t before. I’ve always realized that someday I’m going to die. I have mixed feelings about death. As Woody Allen once said, “I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
On one hand, I’m afraid. Anything new causes me anxiety. That’s just part of my nature. Death after all is a oneway street. It’s the end of this life. It means one day my heart and my breathing will stop and my spirit will be set free and I begin a new journey. I also think of the hurt and pain I’ve caused myself and others and the missed and squandered opportunities. All my weaknesses come to mind.
On the other hand, as a Christian, I’m not afraid as I know there’s a loving God, who sent Jesus to die on the cross for our sins. And I have accepted God’s gracious pardon for my sinfulness. So when I die the light at the end of the tunnel will be God waiting to welcome me into eternal life and eternal love. Hopefully a hug from God also awaits as I’ll really need it.
I know there are some who say, if there’s a loving God why is there suffering? Well God could have easily made a world without suffering by simply destroying all of humanity as soon as we showed signs of rebellion or God could have made us so that we had no choice, but to serve him/her. That, in my mind, would have made us slaves. God gave us free will as God did not want slaves, but rather willing friends and partners; people who willingly chose to follow God’s directions. And frankly I like this way.
As I deal with my heart problems I’ve been thinking a lot about God and eternity. Wondering what it will be like. When I get anxious about things, I have some Christian films that I find comforting. My two favorite are Jesus and The Gospel Of John. While I read the Bible daily, I find the visuals of these films provide me with an added depth that words alone do not provide.
I’ll have more to say on this in future posts.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
The Stress Test
My heart passed much to my surprise, the stress test that is that I had yesterday at the cardiologist. Unlike the stress test I had about 20 years ago, which was on a tread mill, this one required me to lay down and pedal. As part of it an ECG was done, my blood pressure and pulse were taken throughout the test and ultrasounds were done.
Being an avid cyclist and a recumbent user the test, for me, was like climbing a very steep hill or bucking a strong head wind. My biggest muscles are in my legs.
The results my heart was skipping about one beat a minute, at least initially. However during the test there were extra heart beats, which I didn’t feel or ignored as my legs were tired and I was puffing away. They were trying to raise my heart rate to about 140 beats a minute. I only got up to 130 beats. The scar tissue, a previous doctor had found and suggested that I may have had a silent heart attack, was not found this time.
For now, no intervention is seen. However, this may change following the results of my sleep test, which is now due in about two and half to three and a half weeks.
This is a mixture of good and bad news. Good news in that my heart is in better shape than dreaded. The bad news I still have problems at night with my heart that are, so far, unresolved.
Being an avid cyclist and a recumbent user the test, for me, was like climbing a very steep hill or bucking a strong head wind. My biggest muscles are in my legs.
The results my heart was skipping about one beat a minute, at least initially. However during the test there were extra heart beats, which I didn’t feel or ignored as my legs were tired and I was puffing away. They were trying to raise my heart rate to about 140 beats a minute. I only got up to 130 beats. The scar tissue, a previous doctor had found and suggested that I may have had a silent heart attack, was not found this time.
For now, no intervention is seen. However, this may change following the results of my sleep test, which is now due in about two and half to three and a half weeks.
This is a mixture of good and bad news. Good news in that my heart is in better shape than dreaded. The bad news I still have problems at night with my heart that are, so far, unresolved.
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