An Autistic Moment

The image of myself that I have held for decades has changed. No I haven’t woken up and realized that instead of being a meek, mild, peaceful sort of guy I’m really a serial killer. It’s something more mundane than that. I’ve come to the realization that instead of just having attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, I may also have a mild form of autism – Asperger’s Syndrome or PDD-NOS (pervasive developmental disorder-not otherwise specified).

My discovery came about due to the suggestion of my wife and a woman, whose son has Asperger’s, that I might be mildly autistic. This led me to do some research on it.

I’ve always held a mental picture of someone with autism of some person who doesn’t like to be touched, often hit themselves, have low capability of functioning socially, are incapable of living on their own, with low to, at best, average mental capacity. As I have discovered, while this is indeed true of many autistic people, it is not true for all of them. Autism is sort of a broad spectrum disorder ranging from severe to mild. On the mild end are Asperger’s and PDD-NOS. The whole range is now referred to as Autistic Spectrum Disorder. There is a debate among researchers as to whether or not a person may have ASD and ADHD or just one or the other in part because ADHD may also be part of the autism spectrum.

The classic symptoms of ADHD – restlessness, impulsiveness, difficulty concentrating and disorganization– are typical of me and have always been a problem in varying degrees. On the other hand I have other symptoms that are more in keeping with Asperger’s and PDD-NOS. I’ve had difficulty reading body and facial language and could not look people in the eye. I tend to be very talkative and have been totally unaware that the subject I was talking about was totally uninteresting to the person I was talking to or that they were getting bored. And due to not being able to read people I’ve not always been able to react appropriately. I’ve greatly improved in all these areas, but I’m still very uncomfortable looking people in the eye while talking. I’m also not entirely crazy about being touched, my wife excepted.

                  In school I struggled. For me a C was an excellent mark, with Ds and Es and their equivalent not uncommon. The one really bright light was when I discovered dinosaurs and I began talking on a university level. This surprised a lot of people, including myself.

                  I’ve had other problems that seem to fit in with some form of autism. For example it took me years before I grasped the concept of how to skip. And once when I was about 12 I went on an informal hike with other boys and girls my age and I peed in front of the girls as I didn’t know better until someone told me. I have a loud voice and need constant reminders that to lower my voice. Too much stimulus overwhelms me. From time to time the clutter on my desk gets to me and I just throw it all on the floor. Ideally I’d like a clean room with little in it, so I go there and just relax. I tend to be rigid, at least in some things, as it gives me comfort. Repetition is another symptom of autism, which I have. Whenever I hear a new song or songs I like or get a new DVD of a movie, a t.v. show or documentary I like I tend to listen or watch over and over and over and over and over again for a week or two, occasionally longer, until I get it out of my system.

                  I will not likely seek a formal diagnosis as I don’t see any benefit. However, it does help me to better understand myself and locate the resources I need in order to cope.